Our life is our story. Messy and full of joy and pain, but it's ours.
While our story has its fill of sorrow, it is also beautiful. Some moments I have to stop and seek intentionally for the beauty, other times it's overflowing and pouring out.
Our story together began on November 8, 2011 when I received an email from an adorable blond guy with the cutest dimples and purest eyes. I was instantly smitten as soon as I saw his picture. He asked me to do some web design work for him (that was my entrepreneurial endeavor at the time) and I agreed. We talked on the phone every Thursday evening after supper -- working a little and chatting a lot. We quickly became friends. March 15th, 2012 I first saw his face in person, and I knew in that moment that I was going to marry him. It was perfectly crystal clear. He went back home to Missouri all too soon and I stayed in Oregon with my family. The highlight of my day was when he would text me and just talk about life. Every day I missed him more...he had become my best friend. In early July we began our relationship officially, but since we knew our destination was marriage, we decided not to wait any longer and got engaged August 21st.
Our wedding day, October 13th, 2012, was mid-autumn and of course a bit rainy (as it often is in Oregon). No words can express the joy I felt as I walked down the aisle to join in marriage with the man I loved. Then came the kiss -- the very first kiss -- and we walked back down the aisle no longer two people, but one! Ah! The happiness!!
We honeymooned at Mt. Hood for an entire week in a secluded cabin and relished the joys of marriage. Never in my life had I felt that complete. He truly filled everything that was missing.
When we reached our first little home in Missouri and left for Texas on a roadtrip for a conference, my time of the month was getting later and later. I couldn't stand the smell of certain foods and I had headaches every evening. Fairly certain I was pregnant -- we didn't want to wait to start our family -- I took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning at the hotel on the drive home.
It was positive. We laughed a lot and kissed and I told Eli I felt certain that our baby was a boy. He smiled and told me that he would be happy either way.
Two days later I started spotting. Before the end of the day I knew I was miscarrying. Our hearts were crushed. We tried not to ask
why and instead tried to rejoice in the fact that our little one was in the arms of Jesus. We named our baby
Joshua, which means
"God is salvation."
We went and visited a midwife right away and she gave us some resources for helping pregnancy and building my system back up. Optimistic, we decided to start trying for a baby again.
The very next month, we got another positive pregnancy test! I was so tired and feeling exhausted most days, but the days turned into weeks and the weeks became a month. We were very happy. It was getting very close to Christmas when I began to have dreams of my precious little babies both being in the arms of Jesus. In my heart I began to wonder if our second little one was still with us. On Christmas Eve I saw spotting again and knew in my heart that both of my precious babies were together now. An ultrasound in the ER on Christmas day confirmed what I already knew. We buried our
Joy on January 5th at the cemetery on the family farm. We had a beautiful little stone made with a little lamb on the front inscribed with the words
"Safe in the arms of Jesus."
When I realized that I was pregnant in March, I knew that this baby was already gone as well. My heart knew before my body did. We watched the hcg levels rise and fall as I miscarried once again. We decided to name our third baby
Blessing.
After going through so so much pain in the first 6 months of marriage, we made the decision that it was time to rest and seek direction.
The pain doesn't make sense, and I often find myself asking "why?" Sometimes I feel like it's somehow my fault. I'm often full of doubts, but I know that God will bring us a family in His time and in His way. I'm trying to rest in that, and I'm learning to trust.
While we are weeping, we rest in the fact that
our joy will come in the morning!
This is the beginning to our journey...
